Sex and Fairy Tales

Your cursor is hovering over the link to this blog post, isn't it? You're sitting there at your computer or on your phone and contemplating whether or not reading my blog post would benefit you at all, aren't you?

"Is it about sex?" You wonder, as your mind places up censorship blackout lines over such scenes of intimacy. Then you think about me and my personality and you're like, "Wait, this is Jaimie... It must be about gender and books and such." And you wipe your brow, laugh a bit at your own silly thinking. I mean, what were you thinking, right? Is it about sex...really... HA HA HA. That's hysterical.

Except this blog post actually is kind of about sex. And fairy tales.

And your mind does one of three things: (Feel free to comment below if your mind did something not listed here!)
1. It pulls to a screeching halt, does a physically impossible u-turn, and you x-out of the window.
2. You grow curious. Sex and fairy tales? You wonder about this for a brief second before deciding it might be worth scanning the blog a bit more just to see what I come up with.
3. I've already grown too long winded, you've grown bored, and you closed out of this blog before making it to this point. Attention span? What is that?

Anyway, more importantly, since you made it this far, let me give this blog post a bit of a subtitle:

Sex and Fairy Tales: Or why Cinderella got a fairly large settlement.

Cue the trumpets. You know why...

Because once upon a time there was a young girl who cried a bit to the right person and got an expensive make-over for a masquerade ball. She went to a fancy party, hooked up with a guy there, and then realized she had to be elsewhere. In her haste, she lost a shoe on the stairwell.

Well, the guy was determined to believe he'd fallen in love with her, so he took the shoe and made thousands of women try it on. It made a huge difference because those shoes were custom made glass slippers that formed the girl's foot perfectly, so only two people fit into the shoe.

One was a rather heinous looking woman who spent time volunteering at the local Wishes Do Come True building. She liked seeing the gratitude of the people she was helping, and there was nothing more satisfying to her than a day she could come home after volunteering. 

The other was a beautiful maiden who liked to shop until her credit cards were maxed out as if to fill a missing void. Her days were filled with gossip magazines, and her nights were spent trying on shoes she got in the mail before sending angry emails to customer service representatives about packages that she never received and getting refunds. 

The guy had to choose between both girls who fit his shoe found in the stairwell. So he chose the one whose looks didn't displease him.

In the end, they fought and argued and some expensive vases were broken. He realized his mistake and went to divorce the woman, but she ended up going along with a vast amount of his hard earned money, including forcing him to pay alimony afterward. 

For her, it was like getting a free paycheck after the fact. 

Fast forward to the modern world and you'll see that just like my little story above, relationships have become much similar. Why do I talk about this? Because recently there was a little bit of a blow-up in my life, and you know how us writers are... We have a tendency to jot these things down. 

Part of the drama in my life has revolved around settling down with, or settling for, whatever comes my way. I'd like to raise my hand and call bullshit on that one. Strong language, I know. Cover your ears. 

I don't believe that anyone needs to settle for anything less than what they want. So here's my little response to that: 

Five Important Things In Relationships

1. Attraction - I'm not saying that a person must be attracting. We're all beautiful people. I'm merely saying that if there's no spark between you and your significantly different person, then what are you doing? You've got to remember that if you're attracted to someone as well, you have to be the type of person they are attracted to. With billions of people in the world, don't bother trying to change yourself to please a single person. If you were attracted to one person, odds are you'll find another to be attracted to.

2. Common interests - You have to have something in common, or you're not going to make it past day one. It kind of goes along with what I said about being the person that attracts the person you want to attract. While I don't mean you should change who you are, I do have to say that some compromises are going to be required. You have to meet half-way.

3. Uncommon interests - Also referred to as personal space. "This is my thing. Go away." If you can't get away from someone... if they're there ALL THE TIME... If they need a constant string of direction to make them do things... It's a good bet to say they won't be a match for you. You're not looking to be their mother or father. 

4. Background checks - I cannot stress this enough. Does it feel like prying? Does it feel like, "If they wanted me to know, they would have told me." Well, too bad. It should feel like, "If they have something to hide, they should have brought it up already." I'm terrible, right? But how many Burning Beds (reference: The Burning Bed by Faith McNulty about battered housewife Francine Hughes) could be avoided if a person just looked up their upcoming spouse's criminal history? You can find quite a bit of people's records for free in Wisconsin on CCAP very easily, so there's no reason you shouldn't give it a glance. Still uncertain? Save yourself a world of pain and hire a private investigator. Or, you know, just do the smart thing and if the person refuses to tell you their history, turn them into history (figuratively speaking).

5. Sex - Lastly, but not least at all, is sex. I don't refer to gender. I really do mean sex as in sexual intercourse. If you're an adult, and you're looking to be in a relationship, the odds are that you and your significant will be progressing toward intimacy. Can you picture yourself ever having sex with this person? As time progresses, so should your willingness to be close. If time goes by and you still can't picture yourself being intimate with the other person, perhaps its time for a change. This isn't a fairy tale, and life won't end with a happily ever after, so you're damn well going to have to figure out what you want. It's not easy, it takes time, and it requires not simply settling for whatever hops around the corner.

And that's only five things that I've listed. Can you think of any others? Comment below on any part of the blog, or even just on WHATEVER.