Equal Relationship Efforts

Yes, I am single at the time of this writing, and yes I am about to write about relationships. More specifically, I'm intent on writing about something that has become one of my pet peeves on Facebook and other social media. 

I see posts on social media all the time that read, "I wish more men would say 'We're doing this on Friday,' instead of, 'I don't know, it's whatever you want to do.'" 

It seems to me that men do have ideas. I'm around men a lot, largely because I don't know how to talk to women, so I very often hear members of the male species casting their vote for some activity. When men figure out that you're just going to turn down whatever their idea is regardless, of course they're going to be more likely to say whatever to it all and tell you to choose. And eventually, they're likely to stop suggesting things at all. 

Of course, not all men are like that, and some women can be that way as well. I know I become a push-over in some groupings, not ready to have a single original thought whatsoever. In other groupings, I tend to be the only one choosing. 

"Nooo, I just don't feel like that today..." is something people say when they want to turn down the idea of the other person. Women are more likely to say that than men because men don't want to bother with an annoyed woman. I have no sources to prove that, excepting that I have watched and listened to couples. 

I am also guilty of doing that when I don't feel like eating somewhere. 

My pet peeve is not that people attempt to turn down ideas, but rather that they complain all over social media about wanting something to happen when chances are they haven't made a lot of effort to keep the relationship equal through communication and sharing mediums. Now, people will argue with me: their relationship is perfect. They share the work load in the kitchen. They both discipline the kids. When it comes time to going somewhere they take turns deciding where to go or they communicate the pros and cons of each location with both people contributing. 

That's great for your relationship. I'm really happy yours is working that way. But if you're complaining about it on social mediums - even sharing pictures with captions seems to have become the new 'subtle hinting' - then all must not be so well, I imagine. 

And since writing this post, I've made myself aware of exactly how often I tend to turn down restaurant ideas when hanging out with friends in favor of my own choices. Now that I am aware, I am intent on making a concerted effort to practice sharing. I hope that others work on sharing, too, so they can get what they want out of a relationship instead of prodding people as subtly as a child with a stick and a dead animal to get the desired results.

©2014 Jaimie Gross

Quickies, One-Night-Stands, and Friends With Benefits

Okay, that got your attention didn't it? Anything with "intercourse" or "death" in the title tends to be an attention grabber. Game of Thrones, for instance, would probably have an even larger audience if they called it, Game of Everybody Has Sex and Then Dies. But we're not here so you can read about Game of STDs. We're here because of exactly what the title of the blog post is: Quickies, One-Night Stands, and Friends with Benefits. 

Relationships are hard. It's easy to find someone you like. Crushes are easy to have. Yes, there's that nagging feeling of, "Oh, I wish they felt the same," or "Perhaps they feel the same and they're just waiting for me," or maybe even "OMG, what if I say I like them, and they call the police and get a restraining order on me?!"

Relationships, I will repeat for emphasis, are the real hard part. And lately... with everything at the click of a button, phones constantly in user's hands (handbag and pocket dials might soon become obsolete), stores shipping directly to your door, burgers made your way... We've all been trained to think we can have everything we want exactly when we want it and how we want it, or our money back - guaranteed! 

I do not claim to know much... but I watch and I listen and I learn. And since we have everything so available to us, that translates into our dating lives. People will argue against my opinion on this, but that's ok, since that's their opinion. I believe that having everything so available and not having to work for pretty much anything any more makes it so that we in our relationships think we don't have to go through the simple act of courting. Couple of drinks and poof... Instant gratification without hardly any effort.

Recently I had the honor of being told by someone that they couldn't date me because they had to get their life in order. That's reasonable, I'll agree. One week later, after not talking to me at all, the same person asked why I stopped talking to them and later in the conversation told me, "I prefer to be friends with more and more and eventually more". 

I was completely thrown by this. I'm not good enough to date, but he'll be my friend with benefits. I guess I just don't truly understand how anyone could ask that. It was like saying, "You're good enough to have intercourse with, but I don't want to make any effort."

One-Night Stands I can't understand either. If you're in a relationship, theoretically, you have a goal you're working toward. You can't have your cake and eat it too. 

Women and men are not seen the same way if they fall into the whole disastrous area of sexual acts without a relationship. Sometimes, even if women have a relationship at the time, they're still viewed negatively. Men, on the other hand, are viewed in a more positive way among their peers if they have had multiple partners. Is it right? No, it really isn't. 

Not everything is on-demand like Charter or Netflix or Amazon TV. You have to work hard to stay in love, and you have to work hard to keep the love of someone else. We've begun to fear commitment, or to take commitment lightly as divorces increase. There's nothing wrong with being partners for life without getting married, but I believe the minute you get married you need to put effort into it.

And it all comes back to how the relationship starts. Life is not a game or a movie. There's no rewind or restart button if you make a mistake. If you want to love someone, or to be loved by someone, respect yourself first. Love yourself by not allowing someone to order you as if you were some kind of meal through the drive-through at McDonald's. You are not a cheap toy to be had and thrown away when broken. 

And if you're one of the ones who thinks love is a cheap toy......

I believe that people need to start taking relationships seriously or don't have them at all. A relationship needs to be worked at, not some cheap night after cheap beer at a bar, or an attempt at keeping the illusion of being platonic, or a quickie in a closet after too much tequila. Don't settle for the first person who shows a mild to moderate amount of interest. Settle for someone who respects you and your reputation. 

©2014 Jaimie Gross